Musings of a Butterfly

 Ungrounded, unfounded. Tumbling, falling sensation.  Dizziness, as the body sways I feel like I am on a boat. On a path of self destruction. Just need some earth Upon which to stomp my feet To shout out to the Universe That I have arrived. And I am staying. Not going anywhere, but here at this moment. So stop with your torment. Leave me alone. Sweet escape is sometimes the spiral, Taking you downward Spinning, spinning, a vortex out of control. Round and around, arms flailing, crying out Pull me out, pull me out, I'm drowning It's easy to blame someone else Until you realize you're the only one with the power To pull yourself out of your own deep, dark, internal hell.

I am not feeling grounded. I don't know what I need to do in order to feel ok. I twisted my knee one week after arriving in Lisbon and it was quite painful and debilitating, stopping me from exploring the city as I wanted to, because the hills are so steep and so I had to rest, but didn't. Drinking excessively seemed like a good idea as I managed the pain that way. And drinks are so cheap here in Lisbon it always seems to be a good option. I spent loads of time at Le Marais, a wine bar owned by a French gay man a stones throw from my new apartment and got to know many people. Trouble was, the place was on my way home from work so I would stop in with the intention of having one glass of wine, which inevitably turned into not leaving to go home to an empty apartment until I was completely inebriated. There was a loneliness gripping my soul. I would go home and look out my window at the beautiful red rooftops and miss my kids, and miss San Francisco and the community of friends...