I am not a grown up yet.

Have you ever felt like you have been given a second chance in life? A kind of rebirth? A metamorphosis? Transformation? Whether it be through a conscious decision to do things differently or whether it came about during a life-changing experience?

Something happened early this year that has made me rethink everything that I thought was important to me, through habit of living a life that suffocates your soul and stifles your creativity. As a single mother struggling to raise two boys I was running a real estate business that I had gone into because I wanted to help people to attain their piece of the "American Dream". Homeownership. I had previously been working on a large mixed-use development project near San Jose airport, and when that project was finished they offered me a job in Property Management at their San Francisco offices or a good severance of a few months salary and a project completion bonus, which would net me enough money to start my own real estate business. I went with the severance. I nurtured that business and was passionate about developing long term relationships. When I became a single mother my boys were 10 and 5 and my business hours were flexible so I could be there to run the kids around to swimming lessons, piano lessons, soccer games. Some years were good, some bad, but I made it through and worked my arse off.

When the foreclosure crisis and mortgage and banking meltdown happened, many real estate agents were scrambling to find business, values were dropping, getting money was difficult. By now I was working by referral, and had a decent stream of business, but was getting through 2006 during which I was coming out of a divorce and dealing with the emotional trauma of it all, as well as adjusting to being a single parent. I suppose it was just automatic, I didn't think about doing anything else and sort of defined and measured myself by the success of my business. It was like I was sleeping. Like so many others, drifting through life, unconscious.

I became a preferred REO agent for U.S. Bank and started listing bank owned properties for sale. I had to meet people losing their homes and once had an old man cry at the kitchen table because he was losing everything he had. I was not enjoying this. This wasn't why I had initially gotten into this business. Now I was just taking away the American Dream. But the money was good so I continued to do it, all the while questioning why. 

Sometimes something hits you so hard, jolting you awake from your unconscious state. Wide awake. This jolt has affected me on many levels, one of them being a realization that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am fed up with doing something I no longer have a passion for. All things that mattered before don't anymore. I feel a tremendous sense of detachment. I am growing in so many different directions and rediscovering parts of myself that I didn't know were there, but they have been there, in the background the whole time. I find myself in a fortunate place, a place where I feel I can grow and learn from, and the possibilities are endless. What will I do?

It's funny, as my son is getting ready to graduate from high school, the world is his oyster and he can go out there and change the world. I have realized over the past few months that I can go from here and do anything I am passionate about. I don't have to define myself or my success by what I do to make money, but I truly have an opportunity to reinvent myself should I choose, and be out there making the world a better place. I don't quite feel like a grown up. Are we ever fully "grown" up? Isn't the whole point of life to keep growing, learning, evolving? 

It's a wonderful and amazing place to be.